a letter I never wished I would write this way

“Jan you are just like me, I used to hate my cousins and I was so jealous of them, they were all better off than me”

Dear AJ

I had the deepest respect and gratitude for you for many reasons until the above words that came out of your mouth one day when you visited us.  Those words pierced and sliced me so deeply. I choose to be quiet but the piercing only got deeper and the wound larger. After that, these exact words were repeated twice. To have repeatedly made such a statement whenever you were in contact with me, signifies one thing. In your mind, I am seen as a person who never had good feelings nor wishes for anything better for your daughters or cousins as a whole?

All this time, I have chosen to not talk about it.

But as you are no more, I shall do now.

Yes I have not traveled the world as you have, nor acquired academic heights to be perceived as successful. I also did not succeed in moving out of this crazy country and stuck with slogging (as you call it)  in a regular job. I choose not to depend on any financial help but somehow survive in the best way I can.

But let me tell you this, If you thought that every person who couldn’t achieve the benchmarks that define modern world’s success are jealous and have hatred for those who have, just like how you felt, that is a such an insanely spiteful assumption.

With your repeated insulting comparisons, the respect I had for you plummeted to ground zero. Since then you no longer appeared in my radar and I no more consider anyone in my family as my own. There is no reversing from this deep seated ridiculing.

That was the saw-part and here is the see-part in this see-saw family connection

Deep Gratitude for which I will always have for you and your family

When we hit the lowest ebb in our lives, in terms of financial security unable to fend for ourselves, my mother had to only ask you if it was possible to keep me in your house and the doors to your home flung open. I was a part of your family for 8 years. There were many comforts I enjoyed which I never got and I will always be grateful for all that.

You have been someone we always looked up to and I personally have had the deepest admiration because of the way you took care of your family, making sure there was always enough and everything looked into and keep it going.

I did not visit you in your last stay at the hospital as it was very likely that if I did, I would have to hear the very same insulting comparison all over again as i did in the last hospital visit.  I thought its best to avoid stepping into mud when I know it will only soil myself.

I hope you have a good life in the other world

May we never cross each other’s path in the journey of sansaara.

Thank You for helping us when we were down.

Rest in Peace